Parts of Speech

"Can you hear me now, you %^&!?"

Swear words are like the homeless of vocabulary. Take the F*** word. Many people have referred to this naughty little mot as the universal part of speech. The thinking goes that it can replace any word in a sentence like some kind of pronoun on steroids. Witness:

Person 1: I f***ed that f***ing f***er the f*** up.

Person 2: Get the f*** out!

Of course, to flesh out this exchange into something of a conversation, while maintaining its obscenity content, we need another swear word.

Person 1: I f***ed that f***ing f***er the f *** up.

Person 2: Get the f*** out!

Person 1: No s***. I f***ing beat the living s*** outta him. That f***ing motherf***er had it f***ing coming.

Person 2: F***in' A!

Ok, I could go on, but in the interest of maintaining a family-friendly site, I won't. (I had the sheer genius to tell my Dad about this blog, and now I find myself struggling with the awkward idea that my Mom might be reading this.) The point here is that, yes, you can replace just about any word with f*** and it will grammatically make sense. But why would you? The F*** word is only universal if all you need, for the most part, are verbs that are destructive or sexual, nouns that are male and derisive, and modifiers that only exaggerate what they're applied towards.

Of course, like the homeless, these words are reviled by descent folk who feel imposed on by suddenly finding themselves in the presence of one such curse. Then you have a smaller hardcore group of open minded people that feel these epithets deserve some consideration, as they will always be with us because of the way human society works. (cough, cough)

OK, I'll switch analogies before that one get's too stretched out. I actually think swear words are like junk food. Adults use it with impunity, but kids find themselves getting scolded when their parents catch them with it. OK, OK... I think they are like junk food because they hit the spot when you get the craving for one, but they are full of empty calories. OK, that one's worth pursuing.

When you follow a fairly healthy diet that's full of a wide variety of foods, eating an occasional juicy cheeseburger or order of fries can make for a tasty, if naughty, puctuation to your sensible set of eating habits. But as much as your tastebuds are amused by a sudden infusion of salt and fatty acids, that kind of food is virtually devoid of the kind of nutrition your body needs to repair and refuel itself. You get the picture. If you've ever been forced to eat at Mickey D's for breakfast and lunch everyday, you know that you get run-down and kind of full before you can make it up at diner. You also quit tasting it after a while.


Lenny Bruce went to jail for your right to be a
foul-mouthed jerk. So try to at least have
something to say.

Similarly, if you are thoughtful and articulate, the occasional swear word will stand out and have a degree of emphasis when carefully applied to make a point. Conversely, if every other word that comes out of your mouth is s*** this or motherf***ing that, your impression on other people gets kind of blunted instead of sharpened. Oh sure, you might make a strong initial impression. But the words, when repeated often and for no apparent reason, sentence after sentence, begin to empty the paragraphs of actual content. Those still paying attention to what you're saying only hear the words occuring between the swearing, but the swear words simply become sounds, devoid of meaning.

I prefer a balanced approach, verbally speaking. l try to use whatever language expresses what I'm trying to say. If I need to say something ugly, or require a sudden burst of emphasis, then swear words are definitly on the menu. Otherwise, I try to use something else if I can. After all, there's nothing worse than a one note solo, when you came to hear a tune.